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Have you ever craved death?

Void of the ability to think about consequences to others, suicide is the ultimate selfish act. I can say that because I am a survivor of a war against a compulsion to harm myself.

Hope appears during devastating despair.

After a major life trauma things started to become unbearable, painful at a level of 10 out of 10. There was only one painkiller, death, a release. In fact the thought of it calmed my anxiety and gave me relief.

I was watching this video after deciding the title for the blog post ‘Stop and Stare’. The song of the same title is written and performed by the group One Republic.

Below is my emotional response to the images I saw in the video.

As I stared at my own death without fear I realised that, even though I was supported by loved ones, I could take just one step into the hole.

With everyone staying close to protect me I felt the only way I could succeed in my quest was to run. I would go missing for hours. The act of walking in the cold helped me fight against the intrusive thoughts, it would wake me up.

The whole time I felt everyone, including me was staring and judging, I was afraid for a whole year, telling no-one about my trauma for fear of their and my reaction.

I built up a wall of silence that I stood against, too excruciating to tell my friends, my family. As I began to tell I realised it was hurting them, so I went quiet again, staring at nothing.

I remember lying in the bath wishing I could stay under the water and never rise up

I perceived danger in any outside stimulus so I retreated into myself. Feeling destructive to everyone else, I was unable to have a positive effect on people anymore.

Rising up through expressing myself creatively was the only way out, it gave me hope, a distraction from the hurt.

Filling my mind with images of hope stopped me dwelling on my despair.

I have built a world of beautiful thoughts to which I now retreat, a place full of colour and light.

Do you need help, feeling like life is not worth living, follow the link below

Here are some of the lyrics to the song and the video for ‘Stop and Stare’ by One Republic.

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust I've got my heart set, on anywhere but here

I'm staring down myself, counting up the years Steady hands, just hands take the wheel Time to make one last appeal, for the life I've led Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared But I've become what I can't be They're trying to come back, all my senses push Untie the weight bag, never thought I could Steady feet don't fail me now, I'm gonna run till you can't walk Something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down You start to wonder why you're here not there And you'd give anything to get what's fair But fair ain't really what you need Stop and stare, I think I'm Moving but I go nowhere, Yeah I know that everyone gets scared I've become what I can't be, Oh, do you see what I see

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